The Day I Became a Man

If only I'd had my camera, if only I'd had my camera. Why didn't I have my camera? Now no one's going to believe me.

I became a man yesterday. I have two days off between the end of my time at Cyprus and starting my job at the Community College. I was planning on using it to work on my album, but decided a rite of passage was more important.

I drove down to Highland to work on my car with Hot Rod Aficionado Jonny Wix. Because, believe it or not, I never took shop class in high school, he was going to show me how to change my oil, transmission fluid and coolant.

The adventure began with a trip to the parts store in Pleasant Grove(take a left at the store with the bombs in front), where I felt like I was in Mansville--dudes in there, just shootin' the bull. It was like I was on King of Hill.

When we got back to the house I got to put on some cover-alls so we could get down to business. I found that just being in cover-alls increases your manliness at least 10 percent. When I actually got under the car, my manliness jumped another 50 percent, and when I opened that oil drain plug it went through the roof. The level dropped slightly after Wicks inspected the work I had done on installing the new filter and told me I had done it wrong.

After about an hour and a half (of Wicks' incredible patience) we were finished. I squirmed my way out of the cover-alls and went inside to eat a microwavable chimmy-changa. I had become a man. Boy, was it sweet.

The Nutcracker

Before television, people were forced to use their imagination for entertainment. The result: stories of nutcracker men coming to life to lead an army of humans to victory over a group of insurgent super-mice. And "The Nutcracker" is a story for little girls everywhere, go figure.

I experienced "The Nutcracker" for my first time last night. There was lots of leaping, twirling and men wearing tights so tight that their butt cracks were still easily discernible from our nose-bleed seats. While the music was good, I was unable to get past the tights. So very tight.

What an Uneventful Year

What a struggle! I searched through my entire iPod to find some hits from 2004. Next to nothing. There were a lot of albums that I was excited about, only to be disappointed after a few listens. There were also a few that I was sincerely excited about, but then realized they were released in 2003. So, here's my meager list:

Top Albums of 2004

1. Pedro the Lion--Achilles' Heel
2. Jimmy Eat World--Futures
3. The Killers--Hot Fuss
4. The Streets--A Grand Don't Come for Free

(I couldn't even come up with five.)

Top Disappointments

1. Bad Religion--The Empire Strikes First
2. Cake--Pressure Chief
3. Travoltas--High School Reunion
4. Voodoo Glow Skulls--Adiccion, Tradicion Y Revolucion

Let's cross our fingers for 2005.

Starry Eyed

My television debut was aired yesterday morning. I snuck away from my duties at the drive-thru window to check it out in the break room. I had originally planned on gathering all of my credit union coworkers to watch it with me, but I changed my mind. If I was going to look like an idiot I wanted to see it by myself first.

It was pretty good. I realized two things, though:

1. My voice is gayer than I thought
2. I need to start going to the tanning salon. I was incredibly pale.

Now to begin a career in television...

The Apprentice, Begging the Question...

Last night was the Apprentice finale, forcing all viewers to ask the question: Who cares?

Due to other engagements I was only able to watch the second hour of the three-hour bore-fest. The incredibly unnecessary time with the live audience was so uninteresting that I was reduced to watching the PBS documentary "When Hippos Fight."

Thanks Donald, your bloated finale was a great ending to a completely lackluster season. Can't wait for Apprentice 3!

Would you like fries with that?

Vegans everywhere REJOICE! Finally, a movie that tries to show us carnivores not that meat is murder, but suicide. In response to recent court rulings stating that you can't sue McDonald's for making you fat, "Super Size Me" documentarist Morgan Spurlock becomes a human experient to see exactly what fast food does to a person. Rules of the experiment:

1) No options: he could only eat what was available over the counter (water included!)
2) No supersizing unless offered
3) No excuses: he had to eat every item on the menu at least once.

Spurlock follows these rules, eating three meals a day for 30 days exclusively at McDonalds. The result: he went from weighing 185 lbs to 210. His cholesterol went through the roof and his liver turned to one big piece of fat.

Traci and I watched as morning, noon and night Spurlock shoved McDonald's into his face. The highlight of the documentary was on day two, after eating 3/4th of his meal, Spurlock leans out of his car window and throws up everywhere. Fortunately, the movie was not always this graphic, but I did to cover my eyes during the shots of the gastric bypass surgery.

The moral of the story is not just that Americans are fat and that they eat too much fast food. It also gives insight into the fast food-ization of America’s youth. If you eat start eating at the Taco Bell or Pizza Hut (conveniently located inside of the school), of course you are not going to go off to college, or get married and want to sit down and cook something healthy for dinner. The problem is just going to get worse.

By the end of the movie, I think each of us had made a silent promise to never eat fast food again.

The next day I called my sister. She said she and my other sister were taking their kids to McDonald’s for lunch and that we could meet them if we wanted. Well, of course we wanted to come hang out with the kids.

We walked into McDonald’s less than 12 hours after seeing “Super Size Me.” How would this documentary affect us as we were standing there, face to face with Ronald McDonald himself? The moment of truth had come. Dunn, dunn, dunnnnn.....

Traci ordered a McFlurry and I had a hamburger and some fries.

Sell My Old Clothes, I’m off to Hollywood!

I made my television debut this morning and all modesty aside, I am pretty sure that I am going to be the next big thing.

I had the chance to do a little 2 ½ minute interview on a little public service announcement show called “Our Town” on KSL. The Community College is doing a fundraiser to raise money for a new health science building by selling scrubs and science lab beakers.

I accompanied the Fundraising Director, Rick Bouillion. He was looking sharp in a tie and a sport coat, while I was half-prop, wearing a pair of the scrubs.

The excitement of the experience lay solely in the experience. We sat in a foyer for about 45 minutes and then we walked into the studio, talked for 3 minutes and then went back home. However, for someone who’s never been on TV, it was pretty cool.

The actual interview was kind of a blur (though I will be able to relive it when the show airs December 20th at 9:55 a.m. and again at noon) and I think I said something about how much the beakers cost and the scrubs are pretty comfortable. I am a little nervous that when I watch it I am going to feel (and look) like a total idiot.

After our two minutes of fame, Shelly Osterloh said, “Thanks guy, that’s was great.” The true meaning, though, was “you guys were the last recording of the day. Get out of here so I can go home.”

I’ve decided to go into television as a celebrity.

Hollywood Ahoy!

I'm gonna be on TV tomorrow. This is going to be my first step toward fame and fortune, I'm sure.

Raves: Mike Doughty

I was surprised and saddened when somehow the news of Soul Coughing breaking up reached me all the way in the Netherlands in 2000. Surprised because I didn't think anyone in Holland had even heard of Soul Coughing, and saddened because they were one of the most interesting acts of the second half of the 90s.

In retrospect, if a breakup had to happen, 2000 was the perfect time. Napster was reigning supreme and "Skittish," Soul Coughing frontman Mike Doughty's solo, mostly-acoustic, unreleased album found its why into cyberspace.

Since 2000, Doughty has been touring the country alone - just him and a guitar. Despite that "Skittish" has only been sold at shows in plain white paper jackets, everyone in the audience already knows all the words. Despite the simplicity of his solo material, Doughty's performances are captivating.

Though recorded in 1996, "Skittish" just recently received a proper release. It is now packaged along with "Rockity Roll," an EP Doughty released in 2003 and also contains some live material and "Skittish" b-sides.

After about 300 listens, I still enjoy "Skittish" as much as I did when I first heard it in 2001. "Rockity Roll" follows the same pattern - guitar and vocals - with the addition of some drum machine and a little bit of electric piano. Oh, so good.

Doughty is promising fans the release of "a fully-realized solo record," May 3.

Iron Lion Zion

To counteract the dismal nature of winter in Utah, I have spent the past week straight listening to Bob Marley. I figure that if you combine the tropical Jamaican sounds with the 15 degree Utah winter it averages out to a temperate 60 degree climate.

It's Christmas Time...Again

Christmas is officially here. How do I know this? Today is the first day of Christmas music hell at Cyprus Credit Union. My boss loves Christmas music. She's been listening to it in her office since October. But today is the first day of having to listen to it throughout the branch.

We have a Muzak satellite which delivers just one Christmas station. What that means is that you get about 4-5 hours of music before the thing repeats. For further annoyance, there are only about two hours of Christmas music in this world, so you hear about 15 versions of "Santa Baby" every day--none of which is worse than the awful, awful David Lee Roth version.

In about two weeks from now I will have gone absolutely nuts and I will have heard "Hey Santa" (officially the worst Christmas song of all time) nearly two million times. I will become so disgruntled that I will not allow my wife to listen to Christmas music around me.

Bah Humbug.

The String Cheese Incident

I was doing my hometeaching last night (yes, it was the last day of the month) and I heard quite an appetizing story. I asked the usual question, “So how’s everything going?”

“Well,” the woman responded, “I’ve got this big boil thing on my neck. I have to squeeze it every night. This yellow stuff comes out, and it looks like string cheese. It smells awful!”

Hmmm. Sweet.

Robbery Update

I had to come to the credit union at 7 a.m. today for our quarterly robbery training. A cop from the robbery division came to the meeting. He said that the guy who robbed us in July [click here for that story] has been caught and will be facing a life sentence.

One of my bosses asked if we could see a picture of the robber. He said, "Nah, you wouldn't want a see a picture of that guy."

"Yeah, actually we really would," she replied.

"No, you wouldn't."

I can understand if he couldn't show us the picture because it was part of the evidence or something, but if that's the case I would rather that he say, "I can't show you the picture." Of course after somebody comes in and robs you at gunpoint you're going to want to see who it was. I think that was his way of being a tough cop. My dream is to someday become tough, so I can then fulfill my dream of being a tough cop.

A Swing and a Miss

Shot down again. I guess my tough decision as to whether or not I should take the job at Snapp Norris was made for me. I received the following email yesterday:

Spencer,

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to get to know you and interview you for our Jr. PR associate position. We have been able to fill the position. It was actually a tight decision because of your experience and skills. We wish you the best in your endeavors and appreciate the time you spent with us.

Best Regards,

David

As Enimem says, "Back to the lab again." [my words, not David's. I wish he would have said that. It would have given me so much more respect for their company]

And Out of the Dungeon...Sunshine!

Oh, the unexpected excitements of work.

I work in the basement of Salt Lake Community College. No windows, no cell phone reception and very little light (for some reason people in marketing prefer lamps to overhead lighting). But lo, yesterday I escaped into the daylight.

Daylight was a lot colder than I remembered. I had an appointment to meet with the head of the College's grounds crew to talk about the new drought-tolerant flowers and plants at the campus. I told him I would come to his office, thinking I knew where the Facilities Compound was.

After walking to one side of campus in the cold afternoon and wandering around through a bunch of empty portable classrooms trying to find the Grounds office, I was told that I was on the entirely wrong side of campus.

When I finally found the right location I was cheerily greeted by a big dude named Justin Wiker. After talking about the new plants I was able to have a dream fulfilled. I got to ride around in a little maintenance buggy! You know those little cars that are always running you off the sidewalk when you're trying to get to class? "Beep, beep! Get out of the way, mere mortals, I'm in a maintenance buggy!"

Justin cruised us around the campus, showing me all of the different plants. It's pretty cold, driving around in a little car that doesn't have a windshield or windows and the thing went faster than you'd think.

"Have you ever run anybody over in this thing?" I asked.

"No, but I've had some close calls."

"Ever tipped it over?"

He looked and smiled.

I was on top of the world. I was the big man on campus. I was in the maintenance buggy!

Worry Rock II

this is what working is like when you're super hip.

Job Update: When I left my interview at SNG, I was told that they would be getting back to me shortly. I didn't know it would be three hours later.

At 8:45 p.m. I realized that SNG had left me a message two hours earlier. I listened to the message and the dude said that he wanted to meet with me today. I figured that was a good sign: two interviews in two days.

However, this made me nervous because, you know, I'm even scared when good things happen. Now I had to start worrying, which caused me to not be able to concentrate on "The Apprentice," which really made me mad.

I returned the phone call during a commercial and left a message saying that the only option for meeting would be before 9:30 a.m., when I needed to be at the credit union. (I couldn't go during my lunch break because I had a lunch date set with my SLCC coworker Kristy and her husband, who happens to work at the SL Tribune. On my message I said, "I'm already meeting with the Tribune during my lunch break." I thought that would make me sound more valuable.) I received a response at 10:45 p.m. saying they'd love to see me at 9 a.m.

So I made another trip out to Draper this morning. I met with the Norris half of the Snapp Norris Group. It went well, but I am still just as confused about whether or not I should take the job. Very confused.

My lunch with Kristy and Brandon randomly turned into a meeting with Kristy, Brandon and the entire institutional marketing department. I don't know how that happened, but whatever.

Pista!

I bought a few DVDs while I was in Holland, one of which was "Pista!" the winter version of "Costa!" Since I had already seen the latter, I knew what I was getting into when I saw the former.

The story was pretty dumb. But I would have to say, it was kind of "Saved by the Bell" dumb--you know, you realize it's lame, but you secretly still like it.

The group of friends are about to head back to Holland after a busy summer of working at a club in Spain. Right before they head out, they find out that Tommy's grandpa needs help running his bar at a ski resort in France. Here's when the show really gets good. Here's some highlights:

1. Even though the friends go to a ski resort, they keep wearing the same clothes--bikini tops, shorts, tank tops, etc. Not a bad way to go skiing.

2. The cool snowboarder that moves in on Tommy's girlfriend is wearing a red, full body ski suit straight out of 80s ski movies. He's so bad!

3. Everyone in France just happens to be Dutch!

4. I really liked that the one black guy in the movie (a dude from Suriname), though speaking Dutch, periodically in says in English "Damn!" just like movies here in the States. Stereotypes are great.

Some may tease, but I loved it. Loved every minute of it! I may just watch it again tonight!

Worry Rock

I have returned from my job interview. I think that overall it went well. I was laughing to myself about the company's website, thinking that it looks just like everyone's site these days--super modern offices with super modern, hip, good looking people working in them. I think it's funny because real offices don't look like that. I now stand corrected. I walked in the front door and it was like I had just wanted into the website. I looked around and saw glass desks, lots of modern art and the ceiling that's just airconditioning piping and can lights. The only thing it was missing was the hip folks.

There seemed to be a lack of folks in general. I met with David, the interviewer, and he informed me that the company only had 12 employees and the majority them were off at a client pitch.

The interview went well, I think. Though I certainly failed when I was asked what technology magazines I read. My response: "None." It was an honest answer. (Lying wasn't a great options, inasmuch as I don't even know the name of any technology magazines)

I guess they'll call if they liked me. I'm not sure if this is somewhere I'd like to work if I was offered a job. I am always nervous to start something new, but I don't think that is a good enough excuse to hide from a new job.

Careful What You Wish For...

I've been really bummed out about my job situation lately. I've been looking for a job since I graduated in May. I was very happy when the community college extended an offer for me to switch from part time in the public relations department to full time in marketing. That was August. It is now almost the end of November and that position has yet to be posted. I have been sending out resumes to different places periodically, but in the last few days I have decided that I can't just wait around forever for a job that may never really happen.

I sent out a wave of resumes on Tuesday and got a call back from the Snapp Norris Group, a public relations firm in Draper, yesterday. They asked me for an interview today at 2 p.m. Of course my first reaction is to totally freak out and be nervous and have to worry about whether I am going to choose the right path if this leads to a fork in the road. I have spent so much time hoping for a new job that I am really nervous about the prospect of actually getting one.

So, I have two and a half hours to be stressed out and then everything will go right back to where it was before.

Yummmm...Virgin Mary Sandwich

Now's your chance to buy a Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich on Ebay! Hurry, the auction ends soon!

Alkaline Trio

After having a discussion with my homeboy, Rhett, about the decline of rock music I decided to make a list of Alkaline Trio from best to worst. Here we go:

1. Go****nit!
2. From Here to Infirmary
3. Self-titled (the singles collection)
4. Good Mourning
5. Maybe I'll Catch Fire

Running Frightened Away from the Village

In a rare act of spontaneity, Traci and I decided to take in a 10 o’clock dollar movie last night. I wanted to go see “The Bourne Supremacy” again, but Traci opted for something new. By process of elimination we ended up at “The Village.”

I’ll start by saying this: worst movie ever! For all of you out there that think M. Night Shyamalan is the greatest, I feel compelled to tell you that you are an idiot. The thought-provoking last five minutes of this movie does not make up for the preceding 115 mind-numbingly boring minutes, filled with slow-moving characters with misplaced accents.

On the upside, Traci and I were the only two people in the theater so it was like we were having our own private viewing. We only spent $3 for two tickets so it’s all good. After watching Judy Greer play Kitty, we went home to watch our Arrested Development DVD where she also plays a character named Kitty—only this character is actually good. Arrested Development, what an insanely funny show.

Old Lady Trapped in Bathroom! Anger Ensues!

One thing about working at a customer service job is that you are often exposed to very interesting experiences. Here's the latest from the credit union:

An old couple (I'm thinking in their 80s) came in a couple of days ago to use their safe deposit box. Before they left the credit union, the wife decided to use the restroom. All I can say is that it's a good thing her husband was with her.

Trying to leave the bathroom, she turned the doorknob. It wouldn't unlock, it just kept spinning. I guess after a few minutes her husband came to check on her. He tried unsuccessfully to help her get the door open before asking for our help. If he wasn't with her I don't know how long she would have been in there before somebody noticed or heard her.

The bank manager and the head teller were now over there trying to get the door open. Nothing. The next thing I hear is, "We've called the fire department and they'll be here is just a few minutes. Hang in there."

The fire department did in fact show up. I bet they love it when they get calls like "We've got a lady stuck in the bathroom here." Since the hinges of the door are on the inside they had no choice but to tear off the frame around the door to get the door off. The lady had been in there for about an hour before she was set free. The first thing she said after liberation was, "I'm never coming back here again!" Who could blame her?

"I think I could get in less trouble where I'm from"

It wasn't until last night that I realized that my life was missing something--bad teenage drama. Fortunately, The O.C. is back and just as over-the-top and unrealistic as ever. Loved it!

I was happy that Luke was back, though I fear it was a one episode deal. I was even more happy that Marissa is apparently even more crazy than last season.

Let me just say this--I know the acting is bad and that the plots are dumb, but hey, it's still fun to watch. In my opinion, a good show is one that forces you to yell at the TV, and The O.C. causes me to do a lot of that. Example dialogue between me and the TV, "Julie Cooper, duh! Of course Marissa doesn't want to talk to you! You slept with her boyfriend, remember?"

It sure was convenient that Ryan got let off the hook with Theresa's baby just by getting one visit from Sandy Kohen. What's up with that? I still think it's Eddie's baby, anyway.

The O.C. and The Apprentice on Thursday nights--is there any reason to leave the house?

Guess who's back, back again...

I feel like I have been out of the blogging game for ages. We have safely returned home from a wonderful trip to London and are now relunctly getting back into the swing of regular life. What a drag.

I am now a first-time presidential voter. I got a little bit nervous yesterday. Though casting a vote for president in Utah is a bit futile either way, it was an exciting experience. I can tell that I am getting old and boring because I spent a major of the evening watching the polls--talk about an uninteresting form of entertainment. Fortunately, the O.C. premiere is on tomorrow night and my faith in television will be renewed.

The vacation is over, the elections are over, winter has come to Utah and the holidays are right around the corner. I guess the only thing to look forward to besides the O.C. is Strung Out coming to town. I am feeling ripped off because Bad Religion is playing Denver and Las Vegas next week and conveniently skipping over Salt Lake. Not cool.

Fashion, Fashion, Fashion!

Greetings from Amsterdam! Traci and I, trying to fit in with the local culture, have both purchased knee-high boots and we are tucking our jeans into them. That definitely is the style here in the Netherlands. Watch out, it will soon be taking America by storm. We have not been run over by any trams or buses (yet), but did have to take an alternate route to Picadilly Circus in London because someone was under the train. Ouch!

London Adventures

Day One

Oct. 18, 2004
9:45 a.m.

A lot of the stress of a trip comes from the planning. We're sitting in the plane now, waiting for takeoff, so I guess we're past the initial planning phase.

Ironically enough, right as we walked through the metal detector I realized that though I had remembered to make an 8 1/2 hour playlist for my iPod, I had forgotten to bring my headphones. Luckily I was able to get some really crappy headphones at a magazine shop in the airport for $10.

We saw the usual sight at Salt Lake International Airport: the departing LDS missionaries. They must have filled every spare inch of their suits with quarters because I think each of them were on the pay phones for an hour and a half. Time for all of those teary goodbyes to mommies and softly-spoken, sappy goodbye promises to girlfriends.

Once we finally get in the air, it will be about four and a half hours to Newark, New Jersey. My nervousness level right now is moderately low. I think I'll feel better once we're on the flight to London.

Oct. 18, 2004
11:00 a.m.

We are finally in the air. The flight was delayed an hour "because there's a light that's not working." No hard feelings, though, because they just said that Dodgeball is the in-flight movie. Traci is refusing to watch it again.

Oct. 18, 2004
1 p.m.

Dodgeball just ended. It was funnier than I emembered. This was an edited version which was actually better because it cut out a lot of the dirty humor that wasn't really very funny at all.

I'm not really sure if this flight is going to Newark or Branson, Missouri judging by the large number of old people on this plane.

So far, Continental Airlines is pretty nice. They gave us a full lunch and unlike crappy Northwest, they gave us a whole can of apple juice. Lunch was an apple, a bag of potato chips, and a warm teriyaki chicken sandwich. Because it was an airline meal the chicken tasted a bit more like slimy, mystery meat than chicken but I think that is to be expected.

Oct. 18, 2004
11:45 p.m. (Utah time)

We have finally arrived in London. The flight went well, though neither of us really slept at all. Continental Airlines proved to be quite nice. There were TVs on the back of each head rest and you could choose what you wanted to watch. I watched Friends, CSI Miami, CSI, half of Spiderman 2 and 3/4ths of the pre-teen movie Sleepover.

The only drawback was the old man sitting in front of us who had the worst gas in the world. Every 15-20 minutes it was like someone set off a stink bomb. Horrible! By the end of the flight I was this close to kicking the geezer in the back off of the head and saying, "Cut it out, gas man!"

Day Two

Oct. 19, 2004

12:15 a.m. (Utah time)

7:15 a.m. (London time)

We made it to London just in time for morning rush hour. We took the Gatwick Express to the Victoria Station, both of us trying to hold our eyes open. The first thing we saw on the TV when we got to Victoria was a Robbie Williams video. We were truly in London.

It was difficult not to get swept away in the enormous wave of people. We were pulling our suitcases, trying to find our way and becoming a major roadblock for many hurried Tube users.

It was difficult to try to find where we were going with our brains going in slow motion, but we eventually made it to the Boulevard Hotel in Paddington.

Oct. 19, 2004

2 a.m. (Utah time)

7 a.m. (London time)

I can't say we weren't adequately warned about our hotel. All of the reviews about the Boulevard said the rooms were incredibly small. I still wasn't ready. Here's my description:

There's a bed and that's about it. There is not enough room to lay a suitcase on its back, we have to stand them up to make them fit and we have to put them on the bed to open them up. The bathroom is literally the size of an airplane bathroom.

The whole room is kind of like an airplane--one of us has to get out of the way for the other to be able to move to a different spot in the room. Just getting stuff out of the luggage requires a lot of planning and coordination.

[pic]

this is the big room

Oct. 19, 2004

5 a.m. (Utah time)

1 p.m. (London time)

After a two hour nap we attempted to conquer London. Survive may be a better word. My head was so hazy I could barely walk straight.

We made it to the Underground and headed to Picadilly Circus. We couldn't stop there, though, the station was closed because "there was a person caught under the train." I guess that's why they say "Mind the Gap."

We walked through Trafalgar Square and Picadilly Circus. Because we were in London we ate at Pizza Hut. :) We attempted to go to the National Gallery, but we were so tired that we only made it through three rooms. Tomorrow is the big bus tour.

[pic]

The National Gallery at Trafalgar Square

 

Oct. 20, 2004

8:20 a.m.

While waiting at the Victoria Coach Station for our bus tour of the city I had my first chance to use the pay toilet. It cost 20 pence. I am so happy that I got to pay (there was no choice, you had to put money into a machine to get the turnstile to open) to pee into a trough. Instead of individual urinals there was just a wall that had a drain. What an experience.

Day Three

Oct. 21, 2004

11:20 a.m.

Sitting in Heathrow Airport in London. We have successfully navigated our way through the first London phase of our trip. We're no Colin & Christy from the Amazing Race or anything, but I feel good that so far we have been able to find everywhere we're going and we haven't got lost on (or trapped beneath) the Tube.

We are waiting for our flight to Amsterdam, obviously the part of the trip I have been most looking forward to.

I'm finding it strange to be in a foreign country and still be able to understand what people are saying (well, most of it anyway). It certainly makes things a lot easier. I am a bit nervous about going somewhere where we don't speak the language. I don't know how we would find our way around France or something.

Oct. 21, 2004

11:30 a.m.

Here's a rundown of yesterday's adventurous tour of the city:

Our tour was guided by a very British man named Rodney. Rodney reminded me of Fashion Dave. He was nicely groomed and wore a jacket and tie. His personality was nicely starched as well.

Our first stop was Westminster Abbey. Traci was excited out of her mind. She has actually read a lot about the lives of the British kings and their mistresses so it was like the historical version of People Magazine for her. Another little British man gave us the tour around the abbey. The highlight of his tour was him telling us the historical background on why British people use two fingers to flip people off.

Westminster Abbey is called "House of Kings, House of God." It was very easy to see the House of Kings part, but I only saw one reference to the House of God. Amongst the zillions of memorials to nobility there was one crucifix on the wall. What would you expect from a church where a new religion was created just so the king could get a divorce?

We had to rush from the Abbey to make it back to the bus on time. I was a little bummed that I didn't have the chance to take any pictures there.

Our next stop was Buckingham Palace for the changing of the guard. This time of the year the ceremony is only performed every other day, and never if it's raining. It was the right day, but it was raining. Fortunately, the rain let up just in time and we were able to see it.

There wasn't much to see, really. A band marches down the street playing the Darth Vader theme (no, not really) in front of about 20 soldiers. They march over to where the on-duty soldiers are already standing and then they switch. That's it.

We got back on the bus with B-dar, our friendly Indian bus driver and headed to a "traditional English pub," as the brochure says.

Here is Traci's favorite part of the day: A little background--We were sitting on the bus in front of four annoying American ladies. They were all in their 40s, dressed hip, probably on a "girls' trip" to get away from their soccer-momming. They were very loud and always talking about getting drunk. They had only signed up for the morning half of the tour and then once were on the tour bus, decided that they wanted to switch to the full-day tour.

We had just pulled up to the pub. B-dar had to maneuver through all sorts of crazy stuff to get us past some impromptu construction. He was amazing. Once he got past everything he stopped in a no parking spot and about half of the people on the bus were able to get out before cars behind us starting honking. The rest of us were all standing up when B-dar had to start driving again.

Head loud lady yells, "We're not all off of the bus!" Do you really think that B-dar, who is obviously amazing at driving a bus, would just forget that there are 20 people standing up behind him? Was he just going to drive away and take us home to his apartment? Oh annoying lady, how embarrassing for all of us.

____________________________________________

During lunch we were forced to interact with the old people on the tour. We sat at a table with a couple of Australian Philippinos, a Japanese lady and some Japanese-Mexicans. That's right, Japanese-Mexicans.

They were definitely Japanese-looking. (Could this get any less politically correct?) But when we asked them where they were from they said Mexico City. The Japanese lady spoke to them in Japanese, but they just responded with a blank stare. How did these people end up in Mexico? Why don't they speak Japanese? Were they in the Witness Relocation Program? Or did they just think it was really funny to tell everyone they were from Mexico? So many questions.

Oct. 21, 2004

12:30 p.m.

The flight to Amsterdam has been delayed 30 minutes. The way things work at this airport is a bit weird. The flight's gate number is not displayed until 30 minutes before the flight is scheduled to depart. But depending on which gate you're leaving from, it could take you 5, 10 or 20 minutes to walk there, but yet you're supposed to be at the terminal 30 minutes before the flight. Strange math.

We watched and watched for our gate number to appear. When something finally popped up, it said delayed 30 minutes. When it finally gave a gate number we saw that we were a 10 minute walk from where we needed to be. We got almost all the way to the gate before we and another 20 or so people were stopped to go through a random check. We had to do the whole stand in line so you can go though the metal detector bit again. Was this truly a random check or was I a victim of racial profiling? Dun-dun-dunnnn.]

After lunch we drove around the city to the Tower of London. The tower was very cool. It's always nice to hear stories of beheadings and necks gushing blood right after lunch. Traci loved the suits of armor with their metal weener protectors.

The Tower of London also contains the royal crown jewels. We saw two of the largest unflawed diamonds in the world. One of those was over 300 karats.

The tour ended with a boat trip up the River Thames. This was my favorite part of the tour. From the river you can see a lot of London. It was absolutely beautiful. Through both the bus and the boat tour we could see how London is just packed with monuments, churches and palaces. It's easy to see the effects of having such a vast (evil) empire.

A lot of Britain's history is difficult to understand as an American. Other than the revolutionary war, we can't look at our own history and say, "Oh that's when we subject to the king of France" or "that used to be here, but it was bombed to pieces" or "our language was out of fashion so everybody started speaking French and Italian."

Despite being with a bunch of old farts, our tour was quite entertaining. It was a good way to see a lot of stuff in one day without having to do a lot of planning. I would say it was worth the money (which for me is saying a lot considering it cost $200).

Day Four

Phase II-Amsterdam

Oct. 23, 2004

We are sitting in Schiphol Airport in Amsterdam, waiting to head back over to London. We were three hours early for our flight. My Netherlands planning wasn't quite as good as I had hoped, I am sorry to admit. Nevertheless, the trip to Holland was good. I am very happy that we were able to go. I'll give a bit of a recap:

The Hotel

We stayed in a bed and breakfast called Kooyk Hotel. We paid 65 euro (about $77) per night--a good deal. The only drawback was that it had a shared bathroom. We figured that wouldn't be a big deal for two nights.

The hotel had the typical damp, moldy smell that old Amsterdam canal houses always have, but the place was still relatively clean. Traci thought the hallway smelled like Raid bug spray, but there are worst things in this world.

Our room was at least four times larger than our room in London (and about $15 per night cheaper). It was nice to both be able to move around the room at the same time. Though we booked a double bed, the room had two twin beds. I was happy to see that my request had been granted to stay in one of the few rooms with a TV. I didn't want to miss out on one of my very rare chances to watch Dutch TV. The room had a sink, the toilet was down the hall and the shower was down the incredibly steep stairs.

The shower room was quite interesting. I think it was originally a bedroom that had a shower in it. Now it was a big empty room with bright, royal blue carpet and a big royal blue cover over the window. The room had no lock on the door. The large shower was in the back corner of the room and had a door that did have a lock. That made it a little weird because you couldn't put your clothes outside the shower unless you wanted to change in the unlocked room. The only other choice was to put your clothes on a plastic footstool and then push it to the back of the shower where it hopefully wouldn't get wet. I did really good at keeping everything really dry throughout my entire shower and then instantly dropped my underwear in the water after I had turned off the shower.

The breakfast was good--bread, butter, cheese, ham, salami and cereal. The first morning they served scrambled eggs and bacon and the second, hard-boiled eggs and muesli. We've only eaten at the hotel in London once. I think we're going to quickly get quite tired of the menu of cornflakes the next five days in London.

Oct. 21, 2004

Thursday evening was "Koopavond" in Amsterdam-the one evening in the week where the stores stay open until 9 p.m., instead of the usual 6 p.m. We ate dinner at a little pizzeria and then made our first of many visits to the H&M. I was happy to be able to see Amsterdam at night for my first time.

Oct. 22, 2004

You're So Anne Frank

We realized Thursday night that were probably going to be in Amsterdam longer than we really needed to be. We weren't going to any museums or anything, so basically all we would be doing was shopping. We considered taking a train down to Den Haag, but we would basically just be doing the same thing there-shopping-so why take an hour train ride? [Looking back, I wish we would have.]

We started Friday morning off with a trip to the Anne Frank house. Traci wanted to go and when I went with my mom and Jenny I hadn't yet read the book. The house was cool and they have added a bunch of stuff since my last time there.

It's so sad that the Franks were able to successfully hide for so long, just be ratted out right before the liberation.

We spent the afternoon shopping (my feet have never been as tired as they have on this trip) before taking a break to go back to the hotel and rest/watch entirely too many episodes of Punk'd.

Lovers Tour

The owner lady at the B&B recommended that we take the "Lovers" evening canal boat ride. It sounded like a good idea, so we started off our this romantic dinner by eating dinner at the KFC.

I didn't know what we were going to get on our canal ride. I thought they might just play soft music or something. When we arrived at the canal we found that we would be sharing the tour with five fat American guys with two women, a Dutch les-bot couple, a German father and son (or an older man, younger man couple) and a bunch of Italians. The only thing romantic about the tour was that it was at night. It was exactly the same as the day trips--just a recorded voice describing what you're seeing along the canals in four different languages. It was nice, though. It was cool to see the city at night, especially to see the bridges lit by little white lights, stuff I had only seen in postcards.

A perfect ending to the evening was watching "Baantjer," basically the Dutch version of Matlock, followed by a season one episode of the Apprentice with Dutch subtitles. I love TV.

Oct. 23, 2004

London, lock your doors! The Dutch are coming!

Traci and I have been sitting in the airport for more than four hours. The only thing that has made it worthwhile is the horrible things that we have just seen.

It's Saturday night and apparently the Dutch are descending upon the United Kingdom. Every time I am surrounded by Dutch people I remember (I don't know why I always forget so quickly) why I don't really like them all that much.

Here are some of the latest Dutch fashions: First of all, we stood in line between two girl with fashion mullets--full mullet with some bright red highlights.

Here's gentlemen fashion: The 40-year-old guy's bleached blonde hair that's supposed to make up for the fact that it's almost completed recede, throw in some hip earrings, a heavy scent of cologne and alcohol and it's a given that he's going to get some British booty tonight.

[Traci's commentary: Unless, of course, he is gay-which is entirely possible, but hard to tell. The difference between being European and gay is pretty much non-existent.]

We also go to sit across from some upscale older Dutch couples. What would my life be like if my dad, in his late 50s, wore those really little, round Euro glases and his hair was all styled and gelled? I think I will spend the rest of the flight thinking about it. Oh Don, you so crazy!

I almost forget the best part--I saw Bon Jovi! Well, at least the Dutch equivalent of Bon Jovi. There was a guy in front of us wearing a mauve (Traci wasthe one who used the word "mauve") blazer with some hip jeans ("hip jeans" in Holland means they have writing all over them, things like "Paris!" printed down the leg or something).

He had the Bon Jovi hair--the half-long, half-short deal. I was admiring the pretty layering job when I noticed something: his hair wasn't all the same length. While most of it ended just above the shoulders, there were about four strands underneath that went all the way down his back. They looked like little dreads. At first I thought it was the back of a headband (Bon Jovi would totally be wearing a headband), but it really was his hair. Traci swears she saw the mullet girls checking him out.

Day Five

Oct. 26, 2004

10:40 a.m.

Sitting on a train headed for Salisbury.

Oct. 23, 2004

By the time we got back to the hotel we were both pretty frustrated. Not only did the plane leave Amsterdam 1 1/2 hours late, we were also delayed another 1/2 hour when we tried to land in London. Once we landed we had to sit in a "queue" for another 15 minutes. After we had taxied to the end destination, we all had to exit the plane via the movie star stairs that go down to the runway and then get on a bus that drove us all around the airport.

Once we had proceeded through the passport check we were on the home stretch--a 45 minute subway ride back to our hotel in Paddington. Inside the subway we experienced a near fight between an African and a group of Turks as well as a bunch of drunk British hooligans singing and one saying "Piff Diddy, Piff Diddy,Puff Daddy."

Arriving at the hotel, we realized our extra cautiousness was wise. A few days before we left for our vacation Traci read a review about our hotel where some vacationers said that despite booking and receiving a confirmation online, when they arrived at the hotel they were told that the hotel didn't have record of their reservation. When we walked in the door we saw a German man arguing with the hotel guy. He had his confirmation letter in his hand, but they told him they had no record of his reservation. He was understandably very upset and obviously very tired, but there was no room in the inn. What a nightmare.

Oct. 24, 2004

We went to church on Sunday morning. We were a bit lost when we got out of the tube, but figured if we just followed the young man and in the suit and the girl in the dress we would find our way there. Not only were they going to the church, but they were the speakers in sacrament meeting.

We joked that we would see Sister Graves, the senior missionary from our Murray ward who is serving in London. Sure enough, we did.

Though I was reluctant to make the effort to go to church while were there, I am glad that Traci was persistent. It was nice to feel that no matter where you are, the Church is there and it's always the same.

The Wax Museum

We left after sacrament meeting and heeded on our big trip to Madame Tussaud's wax museum. Traci was also very insistant about this. I was less willing to go since I'd been to a a wax museum before.

Between church and the wax museum we went to a restaurant called Garfunkel's where I enjoyed a very good BBQ burger and a Fanta in an American-sized glass.

We had purchased fast passes to Madame Tussaud's online so we didn't have to wait in line at all outside. However, once we got inside it was like we were standing in line anyway, because the place was so incredibly packed.

The museum was a bit deceiving. They give you a map that doesn't really have any info and then off you go. The wax figures are scattered randomly throughout the room and with so many people clogging up the place it's hard to even what you're supposed to be seeing.

We went through the "diva room," i.e. Britney Spears, Beyonce, Madonna quite quickly. I did get my picture taken with an incredibly life-like Kylie Minogue, which was the highlight of my visit.

We didn't give much time to the Superman, Indiana Jones, Marilyn Monroe room, but we did wander around the world leaders room for a while. It was interesting to see that the brochure for the museum showed a display with George W. Bush and Tony Blair on either side of a pulpit where you could pose for a picture. I'm not exactly sure sure what it means that in the actual museum the Bush figure has been replaced by Saddam Hussein.

We left this room thinking there would be more around the corner. Nope, that was pretty much it for the wax figures. We were led down the stairs to a small spook alley and then a small wax ode to serial killers. Gruesome.

After the scary stuff we took a ride on a the "London Express" (or some name like that), a fun little tour through British history. From there we were usherd into the planetarium where we watched a totally lame 10 minute show about the planets before being forced to go through the gift shop in order to the leave the building.

Considering we had spent about $70 on the tickets, we left feeling a bit short changed. I had no idea that in that huge museum there would only be three rooms of wax. If I would've known that I probably would've taken my picture with every bloody figure in the place!

After we left, before I said or did anything, Traci looked at me and said, "I'm sorry. Deb [Traci's friend Katie's mom] said we had to go there." Hmm. Deb is a 50-year-old who still needs to go to Disneyland every year. It wasn't that bad, it just wasn't worth $70.

After Madame Tussaud's we debated whether or not to go o the Jack the Ripper Tour. I thought it would be cool, but I just didn't really think it would be $72 cool, especially right after the wax museum. I was a lot happier with what we ended up doing, anyway.

We decided to go see some of the sights we had rushed through during our bus tour. We took the Tube to Westminster and went to Big Ben and the Parliament building. The weather was great--around 55 degrees. We took a walk through the park right behind Parliament and got to sit and relax on a bench along the Thames.

Traci was happy because we saw a guy there with an H&M bag. We asked him where it had come from. He asked us where we had come from. He said that he was from Washington and studying in England. This seemed a bit fishy since he was dressed very Euro and even spoke with a British accent. That's pretty acclimatized for only being in a country for a few months. Oh well, at least we got the lowdown on the H&M.

We walked around Westminster Abbey--right past some teens making out on one of the benches. I guess if your're a "young a-dult" in the UK, Westminster Abbey is as good a place as any to make out.

Westminster Abbey

From there we walked down to Trafalgar Square to spend some more time with Lord Horatio Nelson, the man who saved the world from Napoleon. The square was filling with people just chillin' and it was cool to sit and watch afternoon become evening. I was surprised by the enormous number of tourists in London, no matter where we were. I thought October would be off-season. We sat back and watched all the fashion.

The highlight of Trafalgar Square--and possibly of the entire trip--was the two black guys and one white girl in spandex struttin' their stuff, doing a little roller disco on their roller skates right in front of the National Gallery. "What have you done, Mike, turned my room into a roller disco?"

"Uncanny!"

Oct. 25, 2004

Monday was busy. We began our morning at Leicester Square, getting discount play tickets for "Woman in Black." From there we headed across the city to the Tate Modern Art museum. The place was huge! I was happy when the first room we entered was entirely devoted to Russian propaganda art. They even had the "Gossip leads to treason" poster. What more could I ask for?

There was some really cool stuff there--Andy Warhol, Picasso, Salvador Dali and a dresser completely full of stuff pulled out of the Thames. Of course with any modern art museum, you're also going to see a fair amount of crap, i.e. a poster painted entirely blue or five plain neon lights.

You can get to St. Paul's Cathedral by walking taking the Millenium walking bridge over the Thames. According to our unreliable boat tour guide, London spent a zillion dollars building the thing, opened it to the public and realized that it shook and swayed and they had to start all over again. We held on real tight as we walked across.

St. Paul's is impressive. Our country and our state's capitols were patterned after it, so it looks quite familiar. The entire ceiling is covered in patterns of gold. Traci was very excited to go there. Lord Nelson has a big old tomb in the crypt in the basement. England loves that guy.

By this point I thought my legs were going to fall off. I did more walking and climbed more stairs in this trip that I probably have in the past year combined. We figured we had earned a break so we headed back to the hotel for a little rest. The best thing about England is that the Simpsons is on for three straight hours every night. And what's even better is that they only show a half hour of Seinfeld, unlike this state. Unfortunately, there is an insane amount of Frasier on every day.

En route to the play we ate at the Burger King. This means we have hit all major American food chains while on our trip: Burger King, KFC, McDonalds, Pizza Hut and Subway. The irony is that I can't remember the last time I ate at any of these places in America, with the exception of the Burger King that's right next to the credit union.

The play was in London's West End at the Fortune Theater. The evening began on a good note--us sitting across from some teenage lesbians. It got even better when the mom lady behind us looked over at them and said to her husband, "I think I'm going to be sick!" To put this into perspective, she said the same thing when she saw a guy kiss his girlfriend. Apparently she's not a big fan of PDA.

"The Women in Black" was really good. It was a story about about a ghost woman who haunted a house and a town. It was pretty scary at times. At one point Traci was one of many who let out a big scream. I felt pretty classy, you know, going to the theater in London. I think that's something a classy person would do.

We had a funny experience on the way back to the hotel after the play. I was waiting for the elevator in the subway station. There was a 12-year-old boy standing next to me who kept staring at me. We got in the elevator and he was still staring. I thought that at any second he was going to ask me if I was Lance from N-Sync. Instead he said, "Were you at the wax museum yesterday?"

"Uh, yes."

"You got your picture in between Tony Blair and Saddam Hussein."

"Yep." Man, this kid had a good memory. I guess it's true that you never really know when people are watching you.

Oct. 26, 2004

Stonehenge

Tuesday was our first trip out of London itself. Destination: Stonehenge. I was a bit wary of going to Stonehenge. It was going to cost us over $100, and I wasn't sure if I really wanted to spend that much to see some rocks. I figured as long as we were already in England we might as well go. To get to Stonehenge requires a 1 1/2 hour train ride to the city of Salisbury. Once there, you take a 40 minute double decker bus ride to Stonehenge itself.

Stonehenge is kind of funny. It's right along the highway and surrounded by hundreds of acres of grasslands. You get out of the bus and it's like, "Oh, there it is." You pay admission and you get a little headphone tour where you walked around the rocks in a circle and stop eight different times and listen to teh audio commentary. For example, "Some think that Stonehenge was built by druids. Well, it wasn't."

The highlight of Stonehenge was trying to go to the restroom after. I was walking behind another man to the restroom. In front of the door there was a bucket on the ground. The guy walked around it and was about to follow when a lady screamed, "Can't you see that I am cleaning? I can't believe how incredibly rude that is! What's wrong with you?" We promptly turned around and walked back out. But since the bathroom was at the end of a long corridor and there was no closed sign--just the bucket--about five guys after us suffered the same wrath.

A few minutes later, the lady came out of the bathroom. As some other facilities workers walked by she hollered, "I have never seen so many rude people as I have today!" One of the girls chuckled at her comment. Wrong move. The lady then yelled at her, "What are you laughing about? Don't butt in!" I tried to stand on the other side of the parking lot as to not get yelled at again.

We spent the afternoon in Salisbury. Salisbury was beautiful and green. It's a small town with a big old cathedral. We attempted to eat lunch in a pub (I know, a cra-zy idea). We walked into a place and looked around. We weren't sure if we ordered at our table or at the bar. We didn't know if there was a menu, or what. I looked around, looked at Traci and said, "Should we go somewhere else?" She nodded. So we tried to be locals, but failed. We ended up eating at a place called Hog's Head. It was really good.

We went to the Salisbury Cathedral and saw one of the four remaining copies of the Magna Carta--England's constitution. Outside of the cathedral, a bunch of kids were hangin' out. I guess if you live in London you hang out at West Minster Abbey and in Salisbury you spend time at your local cathedral.

Day Six

Oct. 27, 2004

Our last real day in England. It's always a drag when a vacation comes to an end. In the morning we took the train to Hampton Court. Hampton Court is a big palace built by Charles Wolsey and then relinquished to Henry VIII, who really knew how to throw a party. The palace was beautiful and nobody was mean to me in the bathroom.

We again attempted to eat at a pub for lunch, but got intimidated and went to a sandwich shop where I had a really gross roast beef sandwich.

Oct. 27, 2004

Tandoori Schmandoori

On our last night in London we decided to eat dinner at the Indian restaurant right next door to our hotel. If there's one thing I should say about myself it's that I like to be in control of the situation. I think this little story will illustrate that:

Being the good little planner that I am, I looked at the menu in the window the night before. Since everything costs nearly double in London, we tried to be very thrifty with our food money, i.e. eating at McDonald's and Burger King. I thought it would be okay to spend a bit more on our last night. It looked like we could get a meal for about $20-25.

When we sat down in the little restaurant we saw that we were the only two in there. Our waiter was an Indian man. It's very difficult to understand Indians speaking in a British accent. He gave us some time to look over the menu so he could harass every person that paused in front of the restaurant--"We have great dinner! Come inside!"

It was when we ordered our meals that everything went all wrong. Traci ordered the chicken curry and I chose the chicken tikka.

"Do you want starter?"

"No,” I responded, “I think we're okay with just the entrees."

"No starter? You must have starter?"

"Nope, we're good."

"Okay, I'll get you vegetable side."

Once again I tried to order my entree. "I'll take the chicken tikka."

"With Rice?"

"Yeah, with rice?" (Don't you have to put curry on rice?)

"And bread?"

"Yes."

As we sat there the place filled up a bit, which made both of us feel a bit more relaxed and it got the waiter off our back. He showed up with our $5-a-piece Sprites and then our meals. The food was pretty good, but basically the same stuff you could get at Curry in a Hurry.

And then the check came. I looked at the check. $65!!! $65?!! I don't think Traci and I have ever had a $65 meal in the entire history of our relationship, let alone for a meal we could have got for $8 in Salt Lake. I checked over the bill--we were charged for not one, but two side orders that we didn't want, $10 for two Sprites, the bread and rice for each of us that I assumed was included in the entree price and then the entrees themselves.

I had done so well on our trip at not getting ripped off. I had avoided all situations where I didn't know beforehand how much something was going to cost. And then, even after checking the menu, I ended up spending $65 on some curry. Blast!

London Calling

Is the UK ready for the Sutherlands? I guess we'll both soon find out. I am not really looking forward to 11 hours in the air, but I am proud to say that I made a playlist for my iPod that is 8 1/2 hours long. It's gonna be pretty intense. I just hope that the battery will last that long. If the battery gives out, I am going to spend my time writing a children's book.

Diploma or No Diploma, That is the Question

Good Heavens, I can hardly believe it. I am finally officially graduated! I came home from work the other day and there was an envelope on my front porch. The envelope was a nice one, the kind with the "do not bend" sticker. I was sure that I was going to open it and find another letter that said, "Sorry, but once again you really didn't graduate."

If you are one of the few people that I have not complained to about my graduation woes, here's a short [only short in comparison to actual events, I have found this summary is still quite long. Feel free to stop reading now] recap:

I was planning on graduating from the University of Utah in May. I met with the counselors, I turned in all of the appropriate stuff and everyone told me that as long as I passed all of my classes spring semester that I should be good to go.

May 5th rolled around, everything was in order. I walked across the floor of the Huntsman Center in my little cap and gown and received the diploma holder that says on the inside, basically, "You'll get your diploma in 30-90 days unless you didn't pass one of your classes." I was happy. I got my picture taken in my little outfit. I smiled a lot and felt happy that I had completed four years of college.

In the following weeks I received two envelopes in the mail. The first contained the a $12 picture of me, proudly displaying my diploma case. The second was a letter from the U. telling me that I was one credit short of graduation.

Is that not the nightmare of every college student--thinking you've graduated and then finding out you're one credit short? That it's not really over? I was living the nightmare!

I wasn't really a credit short. Due to a computer error (that everyone could see), ne of the classes I had taken wasn't showing up on my transcript. Here's some of the stuff I had to go through to get one credit straightened out in a mere 5- ½ months:

PHASE I-Operation Grade Change

Problem: I didn't receive credit for an internship that I completed. I looked at my grades after they were posted on the internet. Next to my internship class I saw a "NC," no credit. Whah? I emailed the counselor. She said she had never received my final paper. Hmm, that's weird since I handed it in directly to her.

Solution: I emailed her a copy of the final paper.

Problem: She had also lost the supervisor review I had turned in. "Can you just get another one, and then fax it over to me?" She asked. From LoveSac, the least responsible/responsive company in the world? Yeah right.

Solution: I used my friend and co-intern Lindsay's LoveSac email address to send the counselor an email praising my outstanding performance as an intern.

Problem: After the grade was changed, the computer was registering my internship as a repeated course, instead of new course-making me a credit shy of graduation.

I talked to the graduation department, who didn't want to help me and sent me back to the COMM department. The COMM department didn't really want to help me, either. Their suggestion: just take one more credit. What? Pay another $600 and go to school for another four months of school when I've already taken the course? I don't think so!

Solution: I was able to talk to the Dean of Students in the COMM department. He said, "That doesn't make any sense." He sounded like he could get it fixed for me.

Problem: He couldn't. He said there was some sort of University policy and "if we change it for you then we'd have to change it for everybody." He made it sound like in order to get my grade changed I was going to have to lobby to the state legislature or something, or that there was some secret alarm that would be sounded if my grade was changed and then all sorts of students would be beating down the doors of administration, all wanting the same treatment.

Solution: He said I could submit a petition requesting that the title of my internship class be changed from Mass COMM to Speech COMM, so the computer wouldn't reject it.

PHASE II-Oh, Won't You Please Sign a Petition?

I went through the process of filling out the petition paperwork-I had to:

1. Write a letter explaining why/how I thought I had been screwed

2. Get a letter from the dean attesting to the fact that I had been screwed and

3. Include any other information that may prove that I was screwed.

Problem: I could had the first and third criteria, but I needed a letter from the dean.

Solution: The guy was really nice and got it all written for me. The only catch: In these modern times, with files so easily transported electronically, it was my privilege to drive 30 minutes to the U. during my lunch break, walk to the Communication building, pick up the letter, walk it to the administration building, walk back to my car and drive 30 minutes back to work. It was very efficient! The U. wouldn't want to waste all that time and energy just emailing the file from one office to the other.

I had to wait a few weeks for my petition to be approved. The graduation office sent me a letter that said I now needed to have my instructor assign me a grade.

Problem: I didn't really take a Speech COMM class, so how would my instructor give me a new grade?

Solution: Fortunately, my advisor was able to submit a grade change for me.

I thought that was the end of it. The grade would be submitted and I would get a diploma in the mail. No such luck.

Problem: I received another letter a few weeks later from the petition people saying that I could no longer get one credit for the Speech COMM class because that class was only offered as a 3-6 credit course. They were going to switch that course to Grad Student Speech COMM Therapy or something outrageous like that because that was a one credit course. To do that, I would need to a get a supervisor to submit a grade change.

Solution: I had to ask my advisor to submit a grade change for the third time in one semester.

Would I get my diploma now? No. More Waiting.

The Waiting Game, Something I've Grown So Accustomed To

How's this for logic? Though I finished all of my coursework [including credit for this mysterious Spech COMM class] during spring semester, the graduation office decided that my graduation date would have to be pushed back to summer semester. This meant that I would have to wait until August 6--the end of summer semester--before they would even look to see if I now met all of the graduation requirements. If I met the requirements, I would just have to wait 30-90 days after the end of the semester to get a diploma. I figured that meant that at the latest I would probably see my diploma in December. Not bad, for someone who should have graduated May 5.

In early September, I called the graduation office to see if they had sent out diplomas yet. The girl replied, "Umm, some of them."

I asked her if she was able to tell me if my degree had at least been awarded. She looked it up and said yes. Incredible. I thought it would never happen. When I told her I was a Mass COMM major she said, "Oh, well we haven't even sent the diplomas to the printer for Mass COMM yet." Yep, the U. runs a really tight ship.

On Saturday, September 25, I came home from work and there was an envelope sitting on the front porch. Believe it or not, there really was a diploma in there. I was only required to go to college for four years and then spend an extra semester to convince them that I really had taken the classes their computer was showing them that I had. I think this was just the final test to see if I had learned enough throughout my college career about being an insignificant number in the system to really deserve a diploma. As Bad Religion once wrote, "Hooray for me and *$# you!"

Nearly Punk'd at the Credit Union

A boyfriend and girlfriend came into the credit union on Monday and wanted to talk to my manager, Kim. The man told her that he had been into our branch the previous Saturday to make a $600 deposit into his girlfriend's account (he was not joint on her account). He said that they had checked her account today and the deposit wasn't showing up.

Kim was cool about it and tried to help them out. She asked which teller had helped him. He said, "It was a guy with blond hair." It wasn't hard to figure out to whom he was referring. There are only three guys that work at my branch-Jamaal, who definitely doesn't have blond hair, Tony, who has no hair and me.

She quickly got the impression, though, that something was a little fishy about all of this. Kim knew that I had worked at the drive-thru all day on Saturday. She asked him a trick question, "Which station did you go to when you came into the building?"

He pointed and said, "It was one of those in the middle."

"And you didn't go through the drive-thru?" Kim asked.

"No. I came inside."

"Do you have your receipt?"

"The guy said he wouldn't give me a receipt because I wasn't on the account." Kim knew this isn't what would have happened, even if he didn't have an account.

Kim explained that I was the only guy working on Saturday and that I hadn't helped anyone that came inside.

"I know that he helped me," he insisted.

Kim, despite her doubts, was nice and even looked through all of my receipts to see if I had taken a $600 deposit and accidently deposited it to the wrong account. She found that I hadn't done any $600 transactions all day.

"I've looked at all of the receipts and he didn't do anything for that amount," She told him.

"Well, maybe he just pocketed it." Uh-oh, that was the wrong move. Kim doesn't take kindly to people accusing her tellers of stealing money.

"He didn't take the money," She said flatly.

"How do you know he didn't take it?"

"He's worked here for five years. He wouldn't take the money."

He argued with her, but she wasn't having any of it. Her feeling was that the girlfriend probably had given him the money and he had kept it. She definitely didn't think he had actually come into the branch.

"So you're not going to do anything?" He asked.

"I would love to pull the surveillance tapes for you. I'll just find when you came in the door and then follow you until I see which teller you went to."

"You can do that?"

"Absolutely."

The guy fumbled with a few more lies and then stormed out of her office. After they left, Kim continued to look at the lady's account. She called over to the branch where the woman had opened her account to ask if they knew anything about her.

"Yeah," said the branch manager. "They were in here an hour ago. They said they made a deposit and it didn't get put into their account. They said a guy with blond hair did the transaction. I told them that was impossible because no guys work at this branch."

Pretty sweet scam, I guess. Go into a branch and say that you gave a teller cash and it never got into the account. If that doesn't work, try another branch. I guess that's what you do when you've been contacted by the collections department and you know that if you don't make a payment by Saturday they are coming to repossess your car. Maybe next time, guys.

Too Fat for the Chimney

Our insurance sent us a letter stating that if we are willing to exercise 30 minutes a day for 100 days in the next year, they will pay us each $60. It's not a lot of money, but I figure it will give us some motivation to work out a bit more regularly than we are doing now. So to sign up for the program we had to go to a little health check up yesterday. Traci's only lasted about 10 minutes, while mine took about 30 minutes. Why so long? They had to tell me that I'm too fat!

Our blood pressure, cholesterol, and body mass index were all measured. It turns out that my cholesterol is through the roof. The problem is not my total cholesterol, but the fact that like 90 percent of my total cholesterol is coming from the bad kind--i.e. all of the good-tasting, bad-for-your-health food that I eat.

The health lady gave me a big lecture about eating better. She asked me what I usually eat for breakfast. I replied a bit timidly, "Well, I had a hotdog for breakfast this morning."

"A hotdog? You shouldn't eat hotdogs for breakfast. Actually, you shouldn't eat hotdogs ever."

We had a long conversation about what I should and shouldn't be eating. Here's what it all came down to: I want to eat regular stuff for lunch and the health folks think I should eat "a sandwich on whole wheat bread, maybe with a nice spinach spread and some grilled chicken. You could also have some carrot sticks. And because you're kind of a big guy, you could also have some yogurt." Hmmm. That shouldn't be much of an adjustment. Does anyone know where I can buy some spinach spread?

New Jimmy Eat World

The wait is nearly over. The new Jimmy Eat World record comes out next week. You can stream the whole album this week through mtv.com at http://www.mtv.com/music/the_leak/jimmy_eat_world/futures/ I'm gonna check it out as soon as I get to my other job. Can't wait.

Thanks, Columbus

Hooray for Columbus Day! Because I work at a bank I get to enjoy a paid day off in honor of a guy who may or may not have inadvertently discovered North America. Thanks, Columbus. You're the bomb.

Since I work two part-time jobs, I really only got half a day off. I am now at my afternoon job, where people don't care about Columbus. Where's the patriotic love? It would be cool to have a whole day off, but nevertheless, I was grateful for a relaxing morning.

I was able to use the time to work on recording one of my new songs. I had already recorded a majority of the tracks and the song was just sitting around, waiting to be finished. I touched some stuff up today, mostly finalized the vocals and recorded a really crappy guitar solo. Now I just need to solidify the bass line and a tweak a few things. I'm hoping it's going to be pretty rockin. I would really like to get it done before I head to England. That may or may not really come to pass. We'll see.

Either the movie Psycho or possibly The Lost Boys

I just got back from my interview at Basher Auto Auctions. (It's pronounced bah-sheer, not Basher, like it sounds. They probably don't want the name to sound like a car wreck) While attempting to travel deep into the west desert, I got a bit lost and ended up at Salt Lake International Airport. Small detour. It took me 40 minutes to get to the interview and 20 to get back.

Once I found the place, I was ready to turn right around. I walked into the very large reception area and soon found I was completely surrounded by wildlife. Or should I say "wild death." There were taxidermied animals everywhere. It was incredible. The walls were lined with various mounted animal heads. In the center of the area was an entire display of animals--deer, elk, bears. I walked up stairs to my interview and waited on the couch across from the coyote and birds.

It made me think about the movie The Lost Boys, where Corey Feldman's grandpa keepS giving him real stuffed animals as gifts unitl he has a whole closet full of 'em. I wonder if you receive a deer head every time you get a promotion at Basher Auto Auctions.

Because I'm Such a Car Guy

I have been applying for jobs for the past five months. Despite sending out a million resumes, I have heard back from very few employers. Those who have replied have all sent me rejection letters. I haven't even had one interview.

I sent out another batch of resumes earlier this week. Literally two minutes after I had sent the emails I got a phone call. Since I had sent resumes out to a bunch of different people I wasn't really sure what job this person was talking about.

When I got off the phone I realized I had been talking to Brasher's Auto Auction. Auto Auction? Me? I don't know anything about cars. What have I gotten myself into? I figure they must be pretty desperate if they got back to me so soon. The position is for helping to design and implement new marketing materials.

I don't really know if this is job that I would take, even if I was offered it. I think it's only going to be part time and the place is on 700 South and 5600 West. I have an interview this afternoon. It's not like I have so many offers that I can really afford to pass this one up. We'll see how it goes.

Leaping to My Death from the Sky Ride

We listen to MUZAK satellite at my work. The screen stopped working a few weeks ago and we couldn't see which station it was on. That was not too big of a deal because we could still change the station with the remote. Now the remote is not working and we're really in trouble. My boss just put it on a station that makes me feel like I am riding on the Sky Ride at Lagoon. It's that horrible, horrible eleveator music. The soft, instrumental guitar crap. I thought the country music we're often forced to listen to was bad, but I think this might be worse. As I type I am hearing one of the few songs with words, "The Glory of Love." Please, go back to the awful instrumental songs!

Crappy Vacation for Daniel-san

I watched Karate Kid II with my brother-in-law last night. I was pretty excited because I hadn't seen it in at least 10 years. (It's been 20 years since I stood outside of the Murray Theatre doing the crane kick after being inspired by Karate Kid I.) Now that I am a bit older, the movie forces me to ask the question, what did Daniel-san tell his friends about his summer vacation to Japan when he got home?

Here's what I think he said:

1. I went to Japan with my best friend--a 60-year-old Japanesese man.
2. I got to see Mr.Myagi's dad die.
3. Mr. Myagi was challenged to a fight to the death by a man who spoke in a very scary voice
4. I got a little bit of "yellow fever" and fell in love with a Japanese girl named Yukie
5. I got beat up at a club
6. A big stormed almost destroyed the whole village
7. I fought a battle to the death, and it was pretty sweet because I didn't die

What a great movie!

 
Though Yukie was cute, she was not nearly as hot as "Ali...with an 'i.'"

Sorry, No Chuck For You

I guess my dad is done with me. With the exception of my mission, I have gone to priesthood session with my dad every six months for the past 12 years. After the meeting we always go to Chuck-a-Rama. It's the only time I ever get to go to the Chuck because Traci refuses to eat there.

This past weekend my dad threw me a curveball. He said he was going to go out of town with my mom. What was I supposed to do? Who was I supposed to go to the conference with, and more importantly, what about the Chuck?!

I ended up going with Traci's dad and little brother. There was no Chuck after. We went to the drive-thru at Arby's. I don't know how I am going to deal with all of this.

Raves: De Afdeing

Dutch People Really Work? A New Dramedy Series Says Yes

I love watching Dutch TV. Unfortunately, it’s a bit hard to find here in the Promised Land. However, if you feel like watching Dutch public TV, you can find it online here.

While I am often stuck watching really lame group-of-people-talking-about-stupid-issues programs, every once in a while I will find a decent sitcom or drama. Enter: De Afdeling.

It’s okay that it’s a blatant rip-off of the BBC series, The Office –“afdeling” is even the Dutch word for office—because even British humor is a step up from incredibly unfunny Dutch humor.

In the office you’ve got the geeky IT guy, the guy who thinks he’s a chick magnet, the possibly gay guy, the hard-nose woman boss, a few other men and of course the hot chick that everyone wants to go out with.

The highlights for me are always the inevitable Dutchisms, like the office workers all riding home from work on their granny bikes. Like all TV shows you have to be able to handle a little bit of make believe. The most overwhelming is believing that Dutch people really ever go to work and they’re not all living off of social security.

The episodes air Sunday nights (Dutch time) and can be seen online up until the next Sunday night. 

Girls! Girls! Girls!

Last night's episode of the Apprentice again proved how mean girls can be when they are forced to work together. I get stressed out just watching all of the confrontation.

I was happy that Jenn got fired. I actually wish almost all of these girls would get fired. Ivana already should have been gone when Bradford got the raw deal, and Maria should have got sent home last week when she went $5000 over budget. If the girls would less time pointing fingers at each other and more time working, they would probably win the tasks. Fight, fight, fight all the time.

                                                                             
Am I the only one who has noticed that Carolyn is so much meaner this season? Can you imagine how she must talk to her kids? "You lost your soccer game? No, you FAILED at your soccer game. There are no excuses!"

Maybe Next Time

Jonny & Virginia Wicks

The Wixes journeyed up to our residence last night. Traci and Virginia--feeling they had gotten a raw deal when they were beaten by Jonny and me in a boys vs. girls game of Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture Edition a few months back--were willing to try their luck again at Trivial Pursuit '90s edition. Big mistake! While it came right down to the wire, the ladies were unprepared for Jonny's secret knowledge of '90s trends and fads. Who would've figured?

Maybe next time, ladies!

What's the Deal with the Apprentice?

I'm just not down with this season of the Apprentice. First of all, I've never liked sitting through the clips of Donald Trump talking about how great he is, or showing off his vast wealth of material treasures. I endure it because I think the game is pretty good. However, this season it has been ridiculous. When Trump walks into a room, they play a fanfare. Give me a break!

I thought last night's episode sucked. The team loses because they are $5000 over budget. Only one person was responsible for the $5,000 and hence the only one responsible for the loss. Instead of firing her, Trump makes a spectacle about Stacie J. being crazy. Of course all the other girls are going to say she is insane so she gets fired instead of them. What's the point of firing her, Mr. Trump? Is it just so you can look cool by saying, "Go get all of the girls out the of the suite!" Duh.

I'm hoping it's going to get a bit better as the season progresses. I have no choice but to keep watching, though, because the O.C.'s not going to be on until November 4th. It's rough when TV lets you down.

Death Cab for Cutie

Full Review Coming Soon!

I went to the Death Cab For Cutie show at RedFest over the weekend. Very, very cool. What most impressed me was their ability to recreate the complexity of their studio recordings in a live setting. They rocked the digital drums, samples, the keyboard and even played one song with two bass players.
Highlights of the evening: "The New Year" as an opener, an extended version of "We Looked Like Giants" and "Transatlanticism" as the perfect closer. Loved it.