I'm Ron Burgundy?

F

Stay classy, Planet Earth.

Every year I say I'm going to wear a Halloween costume to work. And then I, of course, decide I don't want to take the time to actually plan or execute anything. Fortunately Tim, or Brick Tamland as it were, decided we all dress up together and pay homage to our favorite movie, Anchorman.

Everyone knows that the best scene of the movie is when all the different stations get together and have their street fight. [Let's go over the groundrules. Rule number 1: No touching of the hair or face... AND THAT'S IT!]  We figured it would be fitting to use each character's weapon of choice as a prop. 

With a bit of tinfoil, Tim easily refashioned a pitchfork into a trident and Kaleb had no trouble getting Brian Fantana's sword. Josh Burgundy didn't have a couch leg or bedpost or whatever handy, so he settled for a billy club. I thought any local Halloween shop would have the brass knuckles I needed, but alas, no.

Me, to stereotypical girl-who-works-at-Halloween-store: Do you have brass knuckles?

Girl: I'm assuming you mean fake brass knuckles. Because you know brass knuckles are illegal in Utah. [I didn't know that and actually found it a little odd that she did.] Please tell me you mean fake brass knuckles.

At this point, I was pretty sure I had stumbled into a Halloween store that was just a front for illegal brass knuckles. What was I supposed to do now? Was this a situation where I was supposed to say, "Yeah, they're totally illegal, wink wink. I suuure wouldn't know where to look if I was trying to find some."

Instead, I just reponded, "Yeah, I think fake brass knuckles will work just fine."

Girl: Well, we don't have any.

Hmm. Okay. 

Josh noticed that they did sell a nice five-finger "PIMP" ring. He said I could just scrape off the "pimp" and make my own brass knuckles. Ingenious, yes. But who wants to spoil a perfectly good pimp ring? I settled for good ol' fashioned tinfoil and let the viewing public fill in the blanks.

Kaleb was grossed out when he discovered his fake mustache was made with real hair and quite upset when he found it didn't come with any glue or tape. Being the MacGyver that he is, he made it work with a generous application of glue stick to his upper lip. (But paid the price upon removal.)

Jessie woke up sick and nearly missed starring as Veronica Corningstone all together. Realizing that this would have resulted in her permanent ban from work-related friendship, she pulled herself together, plastered her hair down, and took one for the team.

The result? Well, it was more than just the pretty picture seen above. The Channel 4 news team was rewarded with the prestigious honor of 3rd place in the "group costume" division, earning us a $20 gift certificate to a yet-unknown destination. Not $20 each, mind you (we're a nonprofit)--$20 to split amongst the five of us. A just reward.

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Sex Panther: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time. 

When I was an Alien

Tonight we finished up band practice with a cover of Nirvana's "Territorial Pissings." I was thinking about it and I've been playing that song for the past 15 years. That struck me because 1) That's half my life and 2) Though I'm not sure exactly when Kurt Cobain wrote it, I'm guessing he didn't play I longer than maybe five years. Weird.

We're Pulling Paige from Primary

"In Primary I learned about wise and foolish," Paige said, unprovoked, as we drove up Big Cottonwood canyon in a last ditch effort to see the changing leaves.

"Oh, did you sing 'The Wise Man Built His House Upon a Rock?'" I asked.

"No, we learned about what things are wise and what things are foolish." Then she asked, "How do you spell wise?"

I told her and she wrote in it down on the paper she was holding in her car seat in the back of the van.

"That's great. What things are wise?"

"Umm, saying prayers," she answered. "How do you spell 'prayers?'"

She wrote it under "wise."

"What's foolish?" I asked.

"Saying bad words. How do you spell 'bad words?'" She started a new list.

When we stopped to get out of the car, Traci noticed that Paige had already taken her car seat straps off while we were driving. Traci told her that was not okay. Paige was not pleased with the reproval.

"Mom," said our little, four-year-old pre-teen. "I don't want to hear it."

And then she dropped some serious Sunbeam knowledge.

"Mom, I'm putting your name on the foolish list."

And then, of course, she asked me how to spell Traci's name.

Paigey, No Swiping

Our kids fight over everything. Tonight it was Swiper the Fox. Paige, well, swiped it and then headed up to play with it in her room, leaving Curtis screaming downstairs with Traci and me.

About 20 minutes later, Paige returned with the kleptomaniac fox, now willing to share. Kind of.

"Here, Curtis. You can play with Swiper now."

Before he could even utter his usual "Tank-oo" in response, Paige made it clear that she was still in control.

"You can play with it because I'm bored with it."

Such a gem.

Picture Perfect

Sometimes, the only reward of having kids is being able to take cute pictures of them. But even that can be a struggle.

Both of our kids have gone through phases where they refuse to have their picture taken. Whether it's Curtis having to grab the lens every time he sees a camera, or Paige who may just turn completely around, there have been very few seconds when both kids are actually willing to say cheese at the same time.

We have stumbled upon one of those rare moments. The only problem? Paige has now introduced a "camera smile." It's more than just a particular smile. She closes one eye, tilts her head to the side, and cocks her arm and thumb like she's doing the Elaine Benes dance on Seinfeld.

Don't believe me? Here. (Disclaimer: Traci was at work, so I was responsible for Paige's hairdo during our trip to Gardner Village.)







Still pretty cute, I guess.

Because the Sutherlands Make Sanitary Conditions a Top Priority...

...We allow, nay, encourage Curtis to walk around with his head inside of his Dora the Explorer booster toilet seat.

Monday Morning Mommy

Traci goes to work earlier on Mondays now. That means I drop the kids off at Grandma's on my way to work. It's a lot harder than I would have guessed.

Last week, Traci asked, "What happened here after I left this morning?"

"Nothing. Why?"

"Well, the heat was up, all of the lights were on, an so were both of the TVs."

Hmmm.

Today. I got to Grandma's without Paige's backpack, her favorite toy, or apparently having combed her hair. And, my mother was quick to point out, my shirt was not only wrinkled, but "embarrassing."

Once I ditched the kids, I was free to roll into work in our sweet minivan, so it was all worth it. I put the swagger in swagger wagon.

To the Extreme (Makeover)

Of course I watched the first episode of Vanilla Ice's reality show about flipping houses. And yes, I liked it.

Song of the Day: Jimmy Eat World, Movielike

The jury is still out on Jimmy Eat World's new album Invented. But I've made up my mind that I love this track.

Jimmy Eat World - Movielike

The Importance of Heavy Metal Hair, as told by Dave Mustaine

While the rest of the modern world was reading Mockingjay, I had my nose stuck in "Mustaine: A Heavy Metal Memoir."

For those of you who won't be reading the autobiography of Megadeth front man Dave Mustaine, (who am I kidding, none of you will read it) I'll share the best part:

"Everyone had long hair in those days, with the exception of the punk bands. In hard rock and heavy metal, hair was long, and within that framework a decision was to be made:

Up or down.

You were either like Page and Plant (hair down, and thus cool) or you were like KISS, Mötley Crüe and so many other imitators (hair up, and thus not so cool). My hair went down. Always did, always will."

You can read my full review here.

Restoration v. Exploration

They were showing a church video while the kids got dressed after my nephew's baptism today.

ME: Curtis, do you want to move over to those other seats so we can see the show?

CURTIS: A show? I wanna watch Dora.

Our life is filled with disappointment.

Birds, Bees, Bugs

Me: Paige, what did you learn about at school today?

Paige: Sex.

Me: WHAT?!

Paige: Insects.

Me: Oh. Yeah. Insects. Right. Good. Very well then.

Song(s) of the Day: Dan Deacon

Slightly chilly, fall weather. Seems like a good morning for some spastic electronica.

Dan Deacon - Slow with Horns Run for Life
Dan Deacon - Snookered

This Week's Music: Weezer, Brandon Flowers, The Thermals

'Twas a great week for music. All three of these records have already made it into heavy rotation on my iPod. Click on the links for full reviews. 

Weezer - Hurley Not quite as a solid as "Raditude" (a record I dearly love), but still ultra-catchy.

Brandon Flowers - Flamingo It's just like a Killers album, only more countrified.

The Thermals - Personal Life If you like garage punk where the singer just yells at you (and who doesn't?), you won't be disappointed.

Some highlights:

Weezer - Ruling Me
Brandon Flowers - Crossfire
The Thermals - Never Listen to Me

What Time Is It?

Curtis, holding my watch up to his face: What does it say?

Me, looking at the time: 8:25

Curtis, disagreeing: No, it says 'No boys in Paigey's room.'

Clearly, the latest sign Paige hung on her bedroom door is doing its job.

The Eels vs. Ted Kaczynski

I loved The Eels during the mid-'90s (many a fond dream of busing tables at the Red Robin to the sounds of "Novocaine for the Soul") and then again in the early '00s (though Traci still hates me for the time she was complaining about something and I responded to her with this quote, "Life ain't pretty for a dog-faced boy." Let that be a lesson to men everywhere, never refer to your wife as a dog-faced boy. In an context. Ever.).

I've tried in vain to enjoy just about anything from the past five records. Nevertheless, I still found it prudent to snatch up the opportunity to interview E, the one-named man behind the band.

I was worried he'd be a jerk but he was, in fact, quite cordial--if not a bit tight-lipped. If you'd like some more in-depth reading, check the article here. Or. if you're more aural, here are some of my favorite Eels tunes:

Souljacker
Woman Driving, Man Sleeping
Lone Wolf

Am I More Bone or More Thug?

I interviewed Flesh 'n Bone of Bone Thugs 'n Harmony the other day. Yes, the fine young men who brought us "I'll meet at tha crossroads, crossroads, crossroads..." back in 1995 are still around and making music.

Other than "Tha Crossroads," a song that I never really liked, I had little I wanted to talk to them about. Luckily, Flesh 'n Bone had no problem talking from the time he picked up the phone until he hung up, without me really having to ask any questions at all. The only real awkwardness happened before the interview really started.

From my article:

"There's nothing more rock 'n' roll than sharing a fake last name -- just ask the Ramones. But something that is awesome on stage can make things a little awkward in real life. Like my call to Flesh-n-Bone (brother of Layzie Bone and cousin of Wish Bone), founding member of Bone Thugs-n-Harmony.

When I called what was hopefully Mr. Bones' cell phone number, a woman answered.

"Hi, uh, is Flesh there?"

"What?" she answered, seemingly confused.

"I'm looking for Flesh. I mean, can I talk to Flesh?"

(I could feel my face getting progressively warmer. Something about asking a woman on the phone for flesh of any sort tends to make me feel a little awkward.)

"Oh, yeah. I'll get him."

Feel free to read the rest of the article here.

A Marketing Dad's Dream

Nothing makes a father more proud than when he helps create a cartoon tooth to market a dental insurance plan and then that tooth gets made into a mascot and a burping 8-bit video and some real videos...and then his kids actually think it's cool.

Curtis v. Cypress Hill

I've always loved that guy in Cypress Hill who just repeats stuff. B-Real does all the hard stuff and then Sen Dog just echoes, "I'm insane in the brain!" or "How I could just kill a man" or whatever the chorus may be. And it's like that on every song. Brilliant!

Curtis is our little Sen Dog. Paige comes up with all the original content and then Curtis just mimics her. The only problem is that he has a bit of trouble keeping up. And thus the messages get a bit mixed up.

Paige: I think it's Sleeping Beauty, Mom.
Curtis: I think it's Sleeping Booby, Mom.

Paige: Over my dead body! [Why she says this, I have no idea.]
Curtis: I don't wanna go potty!

Keep working on it, little buddy, and someday you'll rise up to play to a supporting role in a Latin-based, gangsta rap group on a constant crusade toward the decriminalization and legalization of marijuana.

No Means No

Curtis has a tendency to escape from my grasp while getting his diaper changed. Paige was so enraged by his birthday-suited visit to her room this morning that she promptly drew this picture and taped it to her door. It's entitled "No Nakey Boys Allowed."