Don't mess with the Dutch - When it Comes to Dominoes

Those dang Dutch, they love their dominoes. But be careful, you might just get shot.

Here's the story. [Thanks, RB, for the link.]

We're Home!

After nearly five days at the hospital, we've all arrived back home. To celebrate, I've posted a bunch of pictures. Hoorah.

New Arrival

We're happy to announce that baby Paige was born November 15 at 2:15 p.m. She weighs 6 lbs 14 oz and is 19 inches long. We're not sure where she came from because she has very dark brown hair. She's absolutely beautiful!

Birthing Class #5: Give Me Back My Belly Fruit

I have officially graduated from Birthing Class. (Well, not really. It’s not like you get a certificate or anything. But I think you should.) Through four classes I did not raised my hand, did not ask questions, did not volunteer. I just sat in the back of the class and tried not to throw up. So I didn’t think it would be a big deal if I went to class wearing the t-shirt that I had just made in my screenprinting class an hour earlier. The shirt had a giant picture of my face on it. Traci said it was embarrassing. I said no one would even see it.

For class number 5 we had a new teacher. She was all about in-class participation and even made us wear nametags. When she asked for four dads to volunteer, I looked around and saw that there were only 5 men in the class. Well, I would be the one guy who wouldn’t volunteer. And if the teacher started calling on people, I’d still have a 20 percent chance of not being picked. I must have been emitting an odor of fear, because she looked right at me, identified my name tag, and called me to the front of the class.

The four of us were to have a diaper-changing competition. Wow, what pressure -especially since I was wearing a t-shirt with my face on it, just like a rock star. No worries. My skills prevailed, earning me a victory and a blue razz Super Pop. (Get it? I’m a super Pop. Clever.)

So we’re done with birthing class. Now there’s nothing left to do, but to birth. No problem.

A Brotha Finally Gets Paid

A big "thank you" to everyone who came to see us at Burt's Tiki Lounge Wednesday night. For those who couldn't make it, you missed out. The opening band was a 40+ year-old, methed-out, emaciated version of Rod Stewart who, accompanied by a bass player and a laptop played more than an hour of cover songs.

I thought the laptop was just going to serve as a drum machine. Nope, it was more like karaoke. The backup tracks included drums, keyboards, backup vocals and guitar solos. They rocked Pink Floyd, Peter Gabriel and the Rolling Stones. All the while, the singer's eyes bugged out and he had to keep sticking his tongue out. Frightening. When he finally spoke it was like, "Garble, garble, garble, more songs, garble, garble. "

Though we thought we were going to play around 9:30 p.m., we finally took the stage around 11:30. I am happy to report that it was our best show to date. Even more important, the show at Burt's marks a first - the first time I have ever gotten paid for playing music. The band earned $30. That's right - $10 per band member. I am now technically a professional musician. Sweet.

F&*# the Informer played last and put on a very entertaining show including props such as a female mannequin leg and a torso wearing a fur coat. After seeing them only one time, I dare say that they may be the best SLC punk band since Homesick.

Birthing Class #4: The Ultimate Fast Food

I am convinced that if people went to birthing class before they got pregnant, no one would ever get pregnant. I'm telling you, child birth is gross and extremely complicated. At class #4 we took a tour of the hospital. We went around the labor/delivery rooms, the c-section rooms and the postpartum rooms. Our tour guide even said we could look at a bunch of umbilical cords in a fridge if we wanted. I chose to stay out in the hall and one of the pregnant lady's "partners" (who was a 16-year-old girl) told me I was being a wuss. I gave her my coldest stare and stayed where I was.

After the tour we went into a classroom for a lesson on breast feeding. We watched a video from 1985 about "the most recent scientific studies." Talk about propaganda, not only is breast feeding like the best thing in the entire world ever, but one of the section headings was actually "Breastfeeding: The Ultimate Fast Food." One of the testimonial characters said, "My baby loves it. It's always the right flavor, the right tempature and the right amount. And I love it 'cause it's FREE!"

One more class to go.

Birthing Class #2: Soundtrack to Gross

This is the one I had feared. I knew sooner or later we were going to have to watch the live-birth video. I wasn't sure that my stomach would be able to take it.

We only watch videos in pregnancy class that were made before I was born. Apparently, either the medical world decided that making a pregnancy video after 1975 was superfluous, or the Cottonwood Hospital is just incredibly cheap.

Well, I did pretty good through the first 3/4 of the thing. I was strong despite the creepy lady with her arms wrapped around herself, swaying side to side like she was possessed as she had contractions in her rocking chair. I was strong despite her equally creepy-nice husband was comforting and loving. I wasn't so strong once her pants came off. I closed my eyes tight when that baby started coming out. Unfortunately, I forgot to plug my ears as well.

"Hear comes the baby," said the doctor. I thought the coast was clear, until I heard the SPLASH! of amniotic fluids hit the hospital floor. One of the pregnant girls in our class screamed. That made me feel better.

November Consumption

Music

The Bruce Lee Band - Beautiful World
The OC: Mix 2
The OC: Mix 4
Radiohead - Kid A
MXPX - The Ever Passing Moment
Youth Group - Skeleton Jar
Common - Be
Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine
The Early November - This Room's Too Cold
Armor for Sleep - What To Do When You Are Dead

Books

Nickel and Dimed by Barbara Ehrenreich

Birthing Class #3: Block Busters

At the start of class, our instructor gave each couple a pregnancy crossword puzzle to test how well we had been listening our previous sessions. After a few minutes we went over the answers as a class. The gentleman sitting next to me was very anxious to show the class how much he had learned.

Teacher: An incision sometimes made in the perineum-

Guy next to me: EPISIOTOMY!

Teacher: Good. The opening or "neck" of the uter-

Guy: CERVIX!!

Guy's wife (quietly): Shhh. Okay, you've answered some questions.

Teacher: Blood tinged dischar-

Guy: MUCOUS PLUG!!!!

Guy's wife (not so quietly): Alright, you need to chill. Seriously.

Mucous Plug! That's a hard one. Boy, this guy was good. He should be on Pregnancy Jeopardy, he'd be the next Ken Jennings.

October Consumption

Music

Sufjan Stevens - Greetings from Michigan
Rise Against - Revolutions Per Minute
The Early November - The Room's Too Cold
Ok Go - Oh No
Iron & Wine/Calexico - In the Reins
Books

The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova
Why White Kids Love Hip Hop: Wankstas, Wiggers, Wannabees and the New Reality of Race in America by Bakari Bitwana

Martha Stewart: Indestructible Robot

I've suspected it all along, but today it was proven -- Martha Stewart really is a robot! "“I have learned that I really cannot be destroyed," Stewart said in a recent article. Not only is she a robot, but she can't be destroyed!! Earth to mankind, Martha will be annihilating our race shortly!

It turns out Martha was pretty bummed because she thought that her Martha Stewart Apprentice was going to replace Donald Trump's, and that she was going to get to fire The Donald on her show. No such luck, robot.

Read the article here.