Saturday, August 15, 2015

Heavy Metal Bakesale

I should have taken more pictures. I had to steal this one from the Trib.

This morning, Bert invited us to the Salt Lake County Fair. We happily obliged. The best part was our run-in with the Armored Combat League.

It was a band of misfits, at best. A group of Dungeons and Dragons nerds wearing 100 pounds of homemade armor. Before the match began, the head nerd took a few minutes to explain how it all works. 

"You see movies and a knight slashes another guy with a sword and he goes right down," he says. "Totally fake." 

He starts whacking his partner in the head with a sword and then an ax. "This is hardcore armor. It keeps you totally protected," he says as he smacks the guy one more time in his helmeted face. 

He then outlines the rules: 
  • You can strike, hit, kick, or punch anywhere you want (except for the knees)
  • You can use your sword to smack your opponent in the back (where there is no armor), as long as you don't, you know, slash down his spine
  • No stabbing someone through their armor in order to kill them
He then reiterated how the armor keeps everybody completely safe. 

And then the first battle began. 

"At 280 pounds, please welcome Buddy."

"He'll be facing his girlfriend Bonnie. Today's her first time in armor!" 

They started sparring. Buddy gave some love taps. Bonnie showed some fire and whacked him a few times with her shield. 

That's when Buddy balled up his fist, wound up, and punched his sweetheart right in the side of the head. 

Bonnie dropped like a ton of armored bricks. 

It took three dudes to help her get back up. (None of which were boyfriend.) 

The match was over. 

I wondered what their evening will be like. Would Bonnie give Buddy the silent treatment? Would Buddy tell Bonnie her form was all wrong? Would Buddy have to sleep on the couch? Or would Bonnie be into it? 

Hurts my head just to think about it.

If only a had a metal helmet.

Paige has one.

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