Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Oh, Super Dell. You so C-razy...

“This is thanks to all of you. All the media in Utah are liars and murderers…I would not want to be in your shoes having caused this. You are agents of Satan and you need to repent.”

You’ve got to hand it to Super Dell Schanze, now former owner of Totally Awesome Computers. He just really has a way with words. I hope he will be as eloquent during his May 10 trial when he faces charges of pulling a gun on his neighbors.

It appears that the whole crazy-commercial-man-who’s-crazy-in-real-life-too thing hasn’t really helped his computer business much, but I would imagine it hasn’t hurt his gun business.

[Here's Dell's letter to his former customers.]
[Read the DesNew article about Dell's craziness here.]

Traci and I ran into Super Dell one night at the dollar movies in Sugarhouse. He was buying his ticket when a group of teenage boys spotted him. “Hey Super Dell,” they shouted, “What are you doing here?”

In his high-pitched, over-the-top commercial voice he responded, “Even Super Dell has to go the movies!”

From this short interaction I made a few observations. 1) For all of the money Totally Awesome Computers is bringing in, Super Dell still goes to the dollar movies. 2) Super Dell refers to himself in the third person, which is always a total sign of sanity. 3) He does indeed only have 9 and-a-half fingers.

I had a handful of other indirect interactions with Super Dell while I was working at the credit union. Most memorable was the following:

A man walked up to my teller station in full camouflage and combat boots. I was sure that he was going to rob me, but instead he just wanted to cash a check drawn off of Super Dell’s account. I believe it was for something like $42,000.

Now, people don’t just walk in and cash a $42,000 check. There’s fingerprinting, signature verification, phone verification and forms that all have to be filled out first. Then, after all of that, normally a person would just like to exchange their personal check for a cashier’s check. Not this guy. He wanted it all in cash.

While we were going through the paperwork I asked the guy why Schanze was giving him so much money. Apparently he supplied Dell’s side business, Totally Awesome Weapons, with many of its totally awesome weapons.

“So Dell’s pretty into guns, eh,” I continued with the awkward small talk. “Doesn’t he have trouble shooting, you know, since he’s missing his trigger finger?” I thought that I could get a smile with that one. Nope.

“Dell’s an incredibly good shot,” camouflage man said in his gravelly voice. “He’s the only person I’ve ever met that can outshoot me.”

As I was counting out 420 one hundred dollar bills I said to camo man, “So, do you feel pretty safe just walking out of here with so much money?” It takes quite a bit of time to count to 420 (if you’re bored, you should try it). And people standing in line start getting a bit bug-eyed when they see that much money sitting on the counter.

“Don’t worry,” he said with a smile, “I’m packing right now.”
If there’s one thing that makes a teller feel comfortable, it’s counting out large amounts of cash and handing them to a man who is carrying a gun. Great company you keep, Super Dell.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

If the camo-man's name was Duke, he had just sold SuperDell an armored Humvee vehicle that didn't exist.