Spencer vs. Cell Phones

It’s 15 degrees and I’m standing on my front porch in my underwear.  Oh, and I’m not happy about it.  To get cell phone reception in my house, I have to leave my house.  That’s why when my two-year Verizon contract ends in April I’m switching to a different provider. 

It wouldn’t be a big deal to suffer the crap reception if my cell phone hadn’t stopped working a month ago.  The speaker gave out.  I can still make calls and talk all I want, but I can’t hear anything the other person is saying.  I can’t even hear the phone ring, so when I call home I just start talking. Now all of my conversations go like this “My cell doesn’t work, you can hear me, but I can’t hear you.  I’ll just keep talking.  I’m on 53^rd South, I’ll be home in 10 minutes.  I’m on 53^rd South, I’ll be home in 10 minutes.  I’m on 53^rd South, I’ll be home in 10 minutes.”  Then I hang up, not knowing if I have talked to anyone at all or if I have left a really weird message on an answering machine. 

The real fun, though, started when I tried to get a new phone.  Cell phone companies will give you a free cell phone any time you’re willing to sign a new contract.  If you’re not willing to sign the contract, a new phone will basically cost you a million dollars.  I don’t want to pay for a new phone if I am just going to get a free phone when I switch plans in a few months.   

Verizon stays in business by selling you a two year contract and giving you a free phone that has a one year warranty.  On day 366 the phone will inevitably break and you’ll have to either pay the million dollars (about $200 and up) or change your plan and sign up for another two years.  Since I am not a millionaire, I had to concoct a scheme to beat the cell phone company. 

After looking around and finding that you can’t get a cheap phone without signing up for a plan, I had to turn to my friend eBay.  I typed “cell phone” in the search bar and got 50 billion results.  I passed up the RAZR for a humble, used Kyocera.  I could get the phone (with shipping included) for 10 bucks.  Seemed like that would get me through ‘til the end of my contract.   

After winning the auction and then fighting with the seller about whether or not she really accepted PayPal. (Though she said she did, she really didn’t and I paid an extra $2 to use stupid BidPay.)    

The phone showed up a few days later and I thought my problems were solved.  I opened up the package and tried to turn on the phone, but it wouldn’t turn on.  The stupid-revelation lightbulb slowly illuminated above my head.  I didn’t buy a charger for the thing. Back to eBay to find a stupid charger.   

Another week later and the charger arrived in the mail.  The next day the new(old) phone was charged and ready.  Now all I needed to do was activate the phone and my cell phone woes would be over.  I went to Verizon’s website to activate it, but it kept telling me that the info that I had entered was invalid.  Now I was worrying that I had bought some stolen phone that had been blacklisted.  I called Verizon’s customer service to have them activate the phone.  I knew I was out of luck when the guy said, “Under no circumstances can I activate that phone.”  Great.  It was a stolen phone.  I could hear the feds knocking on my front door.   

I found out it wasn’t quite that dramatic, but just as much of a pain in my butt.  The FCC recently passed a new regulation that all new cell phones must be E911 compatible.  That means that all phones need to have a GPS system, so when you call 911, they can track you down.  Since the new (old) phone from eBay was not compatible, Verizon wouldn’t activate it for me - information that would have been nice before I bought the phone and the charger. 

At this point I started checking with family members to see if anyone had a cell phone they weren’t using anymore (which is what I should have done from the beginning).  Between my family and Traci’s family, I think there were about a dozen old cell phones lying around.  Just my luck, none of them were compatible.  It all ends where it began - me with a broken cell phone and a new (old) phone and charger that don’t work either.  Yes, I love technology. 

Spencer vs. Cable Television--Pt. I

If you are one of the few people in this world that I haven’t bored with my thoughts about cable television, then you are very lucky.  Unfortunately, that luck is about to run out: 

After living in a cable-less house for 18 years, I was ecstatic to finally have regular MTV access at my first college apartment.  So you can imagine how upsetting it was to find that by 1998 the only thing on MTV was Road Rules and Master P’s “Make ‘Em Say Uhhhh” video. 

Traci had the opposite experience growing up.  The only time that she was stuck with network television was the two years she was at the U.  When we got married there was absolutely no money in the budget for cable TV.  We inherited a 1983 Zenith television from Traci’s parents and we spent $12 on a bunny-ear antenna.    

This set up works okay – if you’re only into watching one channel.  We figured that Fox would be our one channel, which explains why we watched the entire season of Paradise Hotel and Joe Millionaire Part 2. 

Now that we are slightly less poor (before we become significantly more poor when the baby comes), Traci strongly feels that we need to join the more-than-five-channels world.  Apparently she’s tired of having to perfectly position the bunny ears toward the swiftly passing TV waves in order to see anything more than a slightly-decipherable, fuzzy image.   

I am not opposed to cable TV.  I think it would be nice to watch Sports Center and reruns of Who’s the Boss.  Here’s my problem.  I don’t really think it’s worth $40+ a month.  Since I’m not used to paying for TV, I think that if I started paying now I would feel like I have to come straight home from work everyday and watch TV until I go to bed, you know, so I could get my money’s worth.   And somehow, I don’t feel like adding more TV to my social diet is really what I need.   

With that said, I’m always working on ways to get cable without having to PAY for cable.  With the wonders of the internet, I was sure I’d be able to figure something out.  I made some progress - I learned how to download specific shows, but that’s only for network TV.  I have tried and tried to find VH1’s Best Week Ever to no avail. 

After I moved on from that idea, I started thinking about ways to at least get my network TV to come in clearly.  I decided that I needed one of those big antennas that go on the roof.  I didn’t really want to go this route because I would have to get the thing attached to my roof and then figure out a way to run the antenna cable into my house without drilling a big hole in my ceiling.  But what other choice did I have? 

My first stop was Wal-Mart.  They didn’t have the roof antennas.  I drove across the street to K Mart.  Nope.  I didn’t dare say to a K Mart employee, “Um, where are your rooftop antennas?” for fear they would answer, “A roof antenna? I don’t think they even make those things any more.   Why don’t you just get cable?” I didn’t ask a Wal-Mart employee because I have never once asked a question that hasn’t ended up in the employee saying, “I don’t know, let me ask someone else,” and then this being repeated with three more employees who never know the answer.   

When I was sure there was no hope, my television prayers were answered.  At this point I must mention that the people that lived in our house before us had DishNetwork.  The dish is still on the side of our house.  They couldn’t afford the rent, but they could afford the dish.  Huh.  I was walking down the aisles at Home Depot when I saw that they not only had rooftop antennas, but antennas that fit right onto a satellite dish.  I could just clip the antenna on and use the existing cord that goes into our house.  Perfect!  I gladly shelled out the $75. 

I nearly killed myself getting onto the roof and then again as I tried to hook the antenna up to the dish.  Traci hollered encouragements like, “Don’t fall off the roof.  I don’t want to have a fatherless child.”  After I got it hooked up, I almost killed myself getting back off the roof. 

I went into house and thought that the only thing left to do was plug the TV into the satellite box.  I went to hall closet and opened the top drawer, where the box had been sitting for the last three years.  Not there.  Not there?  Where could it be?  My heart dropped.  I vaguely remembered an internal debate I had had about a year ago.  I was cleaning out said hall closet and thought, “is there any reason why we might need this box?  No, I can’t possible imagine why we would.”  Then there is any even more vague memory of me chucking the box into the garbage.  Not trusting my own memory, I looked through the entire house for the thing.  Nowhere.  Stupid accurate memory.

In desperation, I tried connecting a cord straight from the wall into the back of the TV without the help of the dish box.  Believe it or not, the picture was even worse than with the bunny ears.  Television, I hate you so bad.  It’s lucky that you’ve got The OC on your side or this relationship would be over!

So I find myself back to where I was before.  Cable: 1, Spencer: Nothing. 

Free Fiona

 

There's nothing the world loves more than rage and misery. We live to see the catfights on "The Bachelor," it's not worth watching the current season of "The Apprentice" unless Chris turns into a screaming banshee in the Board Room. How else do you explain Spencer's continued love for Pedro the Lion, a man whose songs and voice inspires deep depression in me every time I hear it. There's just something about seeing those emotions laid bare on T.V. , in a movie, or in a song that makes us all feel a little less bad about ourselves.

So, thinking about these two beloved topics - rage and misery - I write today to ask Sony music (and the world in general) a question- "Why won't you release Fiona Apple's latest album, Extraordinary Machine?" If there is any artist that sums up a world of misery and rage, it is Fiona Apple. For years, Fiona has continued to rage rage rage against everything. Even Alanis Morrissette finally got happy. Not Fiona. And I need her rage!! Her album has been finished for two years, but Sony won't release it because they think it won't sell.

I found a website a few months ago called freefiona.com. The guy who started this website envisioned the whole world rising up and converging on Sony headquarters in New York City. He also encouraged those who couldn't make it to mail things to Sony headquarters on a certain day. So I did my part by printing off a picture of an apple and writing the words "Free Fiona" on the page and mailing it off. According to our friend, the Internet, the protest in January wasn't quite what the organizer hoped it would be. I think that somewhere between 8-15 people showed up. I wonder if my apple even made it past the mail room.

But thank goodness, someone leaked the entire album online, so I have been enjoying it for the last two weeks now. What's not marketable about it? So what if every song sounds like a crazy, angry circus - it sounds exactly the same as her last two albums, both of which were big sellers. So I say "Come on Sony, free Fiona. Let us the consumer enjoy her misery and rage, and we'll let you enjoy our hard earned dollars and you'll rage all the way to the bank."

Best Buy Changes Name to "Possibly the Crappiest Buy;" Customers Love It

I recently received two gift certificates – one to Barnes and Noble and the other to Best Buy.  I immediately thought of which CDs I would buy.   I decided to buy Power by Q and Not U from Barnes and Noble and I would get a Mike Doughty album from Best Buy.  I knew that I wasn’t going to find either of these selections at the store and that they would have to be special ordered.  Similar approach, but very different results: 

Barnes & Noble

I found the CD on their website.  I called the store and asked if they had it in stock.  They didn’t, but quickly offered to order it for me.  They said I was not obligated to buy it, but they would call me when it got in.

They called a few days later; I went over and picked it up and didn’t have to pay for any shipping.  Quick, easy, good to go.

Best Buy

I found the CD on their website.  I called the store and they said they could only to ship it to a store if the album had a “store pick up” link by it on the website.  It didn’t.  This meant that it would have to be shipped to my house – and I would have to pay the shipping. 

I thought that was a drag, but was willing to do it.  I got the CD selected and put into my “shopping cart.”  I went to “checkout” and there was no place to enter in a gift card number – something that Barnes & Noble has on their website.

I called the Murray store and said, “Hey, is there a way to enter in my gift card number on the website?” 

“No.”

 “And you won’t order a CD to your store so I can pick it up there?”

 “No.”

 “What can I do, then?”

 “Well you could sign up for a Best Buy Card and use that online, but you wouldn’t be able to use your gift card.”

 [Hmm.  That sounds like a stupid idea.]

 “Could I buy something in the store, return it, get cash back and then use that money to buy something online?” 

“You can’t get cash back on a return purchased with a gift card.”

 “So I’m screwed?” 

“Yeah, I guess.”

Thanks, Best Buy.  It’s really been good to shop with you.  Where do I sign up for that Best Buy Card?