Sunday, May 05, 2013

Such an Unmanly Man

I've been doing a lot of "man" stuff lately--fixing the sprinklers, assembling the grill, putting up the basketball hoop.

Regardless of what they do for living, men all seem to have an inherit desire to be construction workers. There's just something about working with your hands, wielding tools, exerting physical energy. 

Something that I loathe.

I have absolutely no desire to do manly stuff. When I was 14, I spent two summers working for my friend's dad's landscaping company, digging trenches and laying sod. I hated every minute of it. (Well, not every minute of it. I liked working with various dirtbag coworkers and learning pickup lines like "Hey sexy pregnant lady. Wanna go over there in them bushes and try for twins?" Even at 14, I had a hunch that didn't make scientific sense.) When I was 16, I got a job bussing tables at Red Robin. I hated cleaning the bathrooms, hosing off mats, and smelling like grease when I came home (but I loved the fries and being the birthday-song leader).

By the time I was 17, I had decided that I never wanted to have a manual labor job again.

So now I write words for a living in a tiny cubicle. There's no fresh air or sunshine or exercise but I do have a little fan and a window seat (and sometimes I take the stairs). It suits me just fine.

But unfortunately, you can't always avoid man stuff. Like when you have to fix sprinklers or assemble grills or put up the basketball hoop. I'm lousy at it and it takes me forever. I am the least handy man in the history of handymen.

I know guys who say stuff like, "I'd rather just fix it myself. That way, I know it's done right." I say the exact opposite. "I don't want to put it together because then I have to spend all my time worrying that it's going to blow up or start on fire."

I just need to find a job where I can sit in a bigger cubicle and make more money so I can pay someone to fix everything around here.

So who's hiring?

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